By: Chris Hodges, editor-in-chief
Hot on the heels of the announcement that the story envisioned for Tetris‘ transition to the big screen is too big for a single movie and is being planned as a trilogy, I have unearthed the cast list for the series (which you won’t find anywhere else). Below are the well-known names that have signed on to be in the puzzling movie series.
Spongebob Squarepants as “Block Piece”
He might be more of a rectangle than a square, but if the white Jake Gyllenhaal can play the Prince of Persia and Jean-Claude Van Damme can play All-American soldier Guile in the Street Fighter movie, accent and all, surely we can accept a slight shape deviance here. Besides, acting chops are more important than being a carbon-copy of the character, and Spongebob has 17 years of television experience and three feature-film credits under his belt, so his credentials are certainly not in question. Buzz has it that the minor block characters will be rounded out by the cast of Big Block Singsong.
Oblina as “L Piece”
Before you cry foul at her J-shaped appearance, keep in mind that Aaahh!!! Real Monsters went off the air nearly 20 years ago. People change quite a bit in two decades. Word has it that Oblina has been working hard to get her body into shape in order to play the rigid L Piece, and inside sources say not to be surprised if her new, more sculpted body makes her Hollywood’s latest sex symbol. What, did you think a movie that was about getting figures to “fit into” other figures wasn’t going to have some naughty elements? Sex scenes in the Tetris movie…you heard it here first!
Mr. Skinny as “Straight Piece”
Though it took some convincing for the estate of Roger Hargreaves to allow one of his characters be used in a completely different setting, a suitable agreement was finally reached that means Mr. Skinny takes his rightful place as the iconic Straight Piece. Not since Patrick Stewart as Professor X and Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear in the Starsky and Hutch movie has there been a more no-brainer casting choice. Fans may have trouble adjusting to seeing Mr. Skinny without his trademark hat, but what they’ll have even more trouble getting used to is seeing him take on such a dark, complex role. Am I suggesting a potential Oscar nomination? I certainly wouldn’t rule it out–and let’s be honest, Mr. Skinny is long (pun intended) overdue for an acting award.
Mr. T as “Himself/T Piece”
The plot of the Tetris movie is that the “Tetriminoes” are an alien race who have come to Earth to…attack us? Help us? We’ll have to find out! But they aren’t all going to show up as their true form; some are going to take the form of humans that we recognize. And when you’re a T-shaped alien looking to blend in with a new species and research which member of that species you could pass yourself off as, it’s easy to see how something would be lost in the translation and Mr. T would seem like a good choice. Of course, this also involves kidnapping the real Mr. T and keeping him aboard the ship. Could that come into play later when the aliens need to be taken down from within? Hmm…
Vin Diesel as ?
Diesel is famously a video game fan, and rumor has it he was placing daily phone calls to the producers of the Tetris movie after it was first announced all those years ago, demanding to have a role. While it’s been confirmed that he has signed on, his role is being kept a closely-guarded secret.
That’s all I’ve been able to dig up. You may have noticed that there’s nobody listed for the Z Piece. Could it be Mr. Diesel? Or maybe someone else that will totally blow our minds? We’ll have to wait and see, but if I find out, you guys will be the first to know!