The Top Five Lamest Weapons In Games

By: Steve Zachmann, contributor

I was originally going to do a list of the weapons I thought were the coolest, but there’s already tons of those.  So this week I’m going to do a list of the 5 worstest weapons in gaming.  Here’s the catch though, lot’s of games have bad weapons; in fact even the best games ever usually have at least one turd in there somewhere.  So I’ve chosen weapons that are at least somewhat famous for being cool.  Here’s why they’re not.

5.  The whip (Castlevania series)

Stop it, you look like a dominatrix.

Of the 5 weapons on this list , the whip is the only one I considered replacing.  Let’s face it; it is sorta cool in theory.  The thing is, it’s a terrible weapon in practice.  First off, no true vampire hunter would carry a whip as a primary weapon.  Sure, it has uses, Indiana Jones proved that pretty well, but at the end of the day it’s not the kind of weapon that strikes fear into anyone.  And also, what happens when you have to fight an army of vampires in a tight hallway?  That’s right, you’re going to die, because you whip is useless in all but the largest of spaces.

4.  Kung Lao’s hat (Mortal Kombat series)

That is PRECISELY what I’m talking about. He just injured his fingers!

Look here Peaky Blinders it’s just not feasible.  You’re not going to wear a hat with a razor blade covering the entire outer edge, that’s just dangerous.  Not to mention that the hat is completely stupid looking aside from being the worlds most portable circular saw.  If it weren’t for Kung Lao’s super awesome fatality in MKII it would be #1.  I understand that Kung Lao is a trained Shaolin Monk, and he has enough discipline and control to properly wield that hat, but the fact that I just wrote all that out should be proof enough that Kung Lao’s hat is dumb.

3. The Pistol (Halo series)

Clearly more impressive than the battle rifle or energy sword.

Am I starting to step on some holy ground now?  Well buckle up ’cause it’s only going to get worse from here.  Let’s be honest here; Halo may well be one of the greatest FPS franchises of all time, but the pistol is a lame, stupid, awful weapons.  Why?  Because Halo is a science fiction game.  The pistol is revered is one of the coolest weapons in the franchise?  Seriously?  All they’d have had to do was give the pistol a different model and it could have been something truly amazing, but as it stands the pistol is super lame because it doesn’t even belong in Halo in the first place, much less at the top of the list of cool weapons from the game.

2.  BFG-9000  (Doom)

Over. Rated.

The BFG-9000 is a truly amazing, epic weapon…the one time you get to shoot it.  The BFG-9000 is on this list as representation for all of the game weapons of it’s ilk.  You know the ones I mean, guns that are incredibly over-powered but have such limited ammo that you feel like you’re never allowed to use them.  How many games have you finished with a full stash of rockets, or plasma ammo, or super-ultra-mega-awesome-rounds because you didn’t know when you should use them, so you never used them?  The BFG-9000 is the grandfather of this awful trend, and for that it’s runner up for worst weapon ever.

1. The crowbar (Half-Life series)

Wow. Just soak in all that mediocrity. It’s glorious.

Sorry, but it’s true.  The crowbar is really stupid.  Believe me, I get it, I’m a PC gamer myself, so I also worship at the altar of Gaben, but that doesn’t make the crowbar a cool weapon.  First off, it’s basically just the first useful thing Gordon Freeman picks up.  That doesn’t automatically make it cool or useful, that just makes it first.  The fact that Half-Life is an amazing game doesn’t deify the crowbar.  Sure, it’s a fine melee weapon for smashing headcrabs, but it’s nothing to write home about.  It does the job at close range or when you’re out of ammo, but that’s the same thing that every mandatory melee weapon does in every FPS game.